OCTOBER 2005 :: TEEN CENTER : ON CAMPUS

Declare Your Independence

Don't Let 'Helicopter' Parents Rob You of a Learning Opportunity

By Caitlin J. Noris
Special to The Wall Street Journal Classroom Edition

My friend's face went pale with fear as her cellphone started ringing. "Everyone, be quiet!" she whispered frantically. "I'm not supposed to be out this late!"

We paused on the sidewalk, gulped and checked our watches-midnight on a Saturday. With a shaking hand, my friend put the phone to her ear.

"Dad? Yes, I know I have church tomorrow. I'm about to go to sleep. ... I'll call you in the morning, OK?" she said, rolling her eyes as we began to walk to the party.

This isn't a flashback from my high-school days. It was a scene from my freshman year of college, and my buddy was desperately trying to avoid the clutches of her well-intentioned, but very controlling, parents.

In colleges across the country, "a new generation of overinvolved parents are flooding campus orientations, meddling in registration and interfering with students' dealings with professors, administrators and roommates," according to a recent Wall Street Journal column. These "helicopter parents"-so named for their incessant hovering-are becoming a challenge for many colleges that appreciate supportive parents but also want to teach their students to think and act independently.

My Niece Needs a Job

In my four years at college, I've seen plenty of parents who appear to be doing more directing than supporting. I work part-time at my university's career counseling office, and we're actually in the process of developing a set of protocols to field parents' questions and concerns. You'd be surprised what we see. Parents call in to schedule counseling appointments for their children, send letters asking how their child can get a job after graduation, and even come into the office on their child's behalf. One counselor even had a student's mother, father, aunt and uncle sit in on her advising appointment!

What causes otherwise relaxed relatives to transform into frantic helicopter parents? It's not all their fault.

When you leave for college, your parents feel a strong emotional conflict; they know you need independence, but they still want to protect their "little boy" or "baby girl" from all the things they know can happen in college. Their newly empty nest may cause them to feel sad, lonely or nervous-and in the mood to meddle. Additionally, parents often bear a significant portion of the cost of sending a child to college. It's a heavy load, and some parents feel they should have ultimate control over the investment.

But while helicopter parents mean well, they might not realize that they are actually undermining the student's chance of success, both during and after college. They're unwittingly robbing their child of an opportunity to become an independent, responsible adult.

According to the Journal column, campus officials say college freshmen must learn to ask and negotiate for what they need; share personal and communal living space; exercise basic personal-safety skills; show self-reliance in the face of adversity; track and control personal spending; and keep healthy study, eating and sleep habits.

It's true that most college freshmen lack many of these basic life skills, but most of us learn our lessons the hard way-by failing a major test, overdrawing our bank account or sleeping in and missing an appointment. Helicopter parents will often swoop in to ensure that this failure doesn't happen. But failing is just a part of life, and picking ourselves up (and not being rescued by mom and dad) is something we all must learn to do-on our own.

Plus, after a while, overinvolvement can just be a little annoying.

A Safe Distance

If you can see the propellers on your parents' heads starting to turn already, there are a few things you can do to make the transition to college easier on both you and them.

First, vocalize your appreciation for your parents' financial sacrifice. Helicopter parents often just want to be assured that you're using their money wisely, so conduct yourself in a responsible manner. That means going to class, studying and generally not getting arrested. If your parents go so far as to insist that you must bow to their wishes since they're paying for your college education, try to compromise. In the most extreme situations, you might have to sacrifice their approval to pursue your own dreams.

Additionally, it helps to establish some boundaries between your campus life and your family life. Helicopter parents often go into full gear when their child moves into the dorms. During freshman year, my friend's mother called him approximately three times a day. If your parents won't leave you alone for long enough to make a single decision without them, there's a problem. Tell them how often you'll phone them (every other day for the first few months, for example) and make good on that call. Keeping your parents in the loop-but a safe distance away-lets you make independent decisions and satisfies everyone.

Freshman year should be a time of personal empowerment. If your parents' involvement is borderline ridiculous (like trying to pick your major or your classes for you), gently but firmly declare your independence. There's no reason to be angry or feel they don't trust you. Just assure your parents that you're on top of things and that you'll ask for help when you need it. Also, listen to their advice and ask for their reasoning; they may know a thing or two about college-and life-that you don't!